I Can Do This.

Cinque Terre, Italy

Hey guys, I'm going to go here.

In May.

So like in 12 weeks.

Yep.

I got accepted to the study abroad program. My dream come true. What I have been working for for two years now. I got accepted.



Now I just need $10,000 to do it. Except there's this problem. I don't have it and have no way to get it other than a loan. I have tried the parent route (they still seem to think I'm joking. Seriously.). I've tried the scholarship route and they must think I must be some strange anomaly because I fit into zero criteria. And the financial aid people must think I am joking too, because apparently my parents make enough to put food on the table so why the hell would I need "aid"? Right.

It doesn't help that my parents have all but completely cut me off and I have around $150 in my bank account right now. And that I have never had to deal with real money before and have no clue what I am doing, and can't pay for even a dinner out with friends but I am expected to go out anyway. Do you know how humiliating it is to have to tell your friends they have to find something free to do and you are broke? To have to sell plasma for basic spending money? Ugh, I hate this constant stress and tension in my mind and body over money. Something so stupid.

School is rough right now too. I feel like I have no time. Every day has something scheduled. But I can handle that. I can handle school stress. I've been handling that for years. I'll get through it. But money stress? That's new territory for me. I will just have to take the same strategy for school stress and apply it here. Don't think too hard about it.

Deep breaths. Focus. Go.

Okay, I will get a private loan. Supplemental FinAid apps are out in March. I will do that. Forget about scholarships and parents. I have approximately $2,000 saved, I am a quarter there. I will get a $9,000 private loan to cover what FinAid won't. This leaves me plenty. I will return from Italy and take extra summer classes here and get a job. Then another school year will begin.

Plan. Go. Nothing else matters or will interfere. Just do it. Stick to the plan, worry about paying off loans later. And most of all remember: You are NOT alone.


(P.S. but if you all would like to make donations, by all means go ahead. kay? thanks bye.

Best Summer Ever! (so far...)

Yes, that is my conclusion of the summer now that it's all coming to a close. Although my blog here and my personal journal did not always reflect it, it's true. It was hard, then it got good, and now it's great and over but it was worth it. I couldn't have had a better summer adventure or a first job experience or a better first real life experience. Here are some things that made it great and wonderful and scary and hard and sad and happy and amazing all at the same time.

-I learned to be on my own
-I discovered hidden talents and desires
-I made money for ITALY next summer [oh my what will happen there ;)]
-I experienced getting hired
-I experienced almost getting fired (twice!)
-I wrote, A LOT
-I realized there are some things I can live with out 24/7 (cable tv -really!)
-I realized there are some things I can NEVER live with out (air conditioning and a library!)
-I sneaked into a bar (again, twice!)
-I got banned from said bar (for life? maybe? it's not really clear..lol)
-I got drunk with a new BFF :)
-I went skinny dipping in Lake Huron in the middle of the night (best view of bridge EVER!)
-I flirted, A LOT ;)
-I kissed, and then some ;)
-I was a total cliche
-I was a total bad ass
-I danced, laughed, and really truly lived for the first time.

I am young. 19. I have nothing holding me back or holding me here. Now is the time to do all of this and experience everything.  That's how it's supposed to be. Living young and wild and free.

Whoa, we're halfway there...

...whoa-oh, livin' on a prayer! (thanks Bon Jovi)

Halfway done on the Island. Ready to get back to school. But it's funny, now I am actually comfortable here, made more friends, feel less alone. But I still feel useless at my job. I am good at it, obviously, I could train a monkey to do this job. I need something that requires more brain power than that of a peanut. I need a job where I am working with people I feel more comfortable with. Not that the ones I am with are bad, it's just so different for me. Which I guess is a good experience if nothing else.

I have officially decided to change my major. Instead of Hospitality and Tourism Management major and a Business minor, I'm going to be a business major and HTM minor. It might take me an extra year to graduate, but I think I can squeeze it into four years. Whether or not I kill myself trying is a different matter.

This "internship" has done nothing but confuse the shit out of me. It has made me even less sure of what I do want and more sure of what I don't want. I don't want to work in a restaurant ever again. I just don't know what to do. As soon as I've got down what I want and have made a plan something new pops up and I want that.

“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.” - Mitch Hedberg

Sink or swim? I choose swim.

It's like I jumped in before I could swim. And I'm kicking like crazy as I drown. It seems like once I break the surface and get air another wave just comes crashing down. I can't keep up yet I have no choice. Keep kicking. Maybe i should have learned to swim first. But mow I'm in to deep. Why didn't I learn to walk before I ran? Oh yea, because I'm an idiot.

I have always been that way though. Not idiotic. But wanting to be at the  top of the mountain without climbing. But how can I be able to breath at the top without learning as I ascend? 

It's part of wanting to show people up and be the best. My superiority complex kicking in. I have to be better, higher, stronger than you. I will out do you. And no matter how hard it is for me along the way, it's worth it for the best, to be the best. So I'll keep kicking until I learn or grow gills. But either way I'm gonna survive and be the best.  

End of the Year Thoughts

I have 6 school days left before the end of my freshman year of college. 6 days. This year has gone by way to fast and in less than 2 weeks I will be on the island all summer, missing my friends, making new ones. I will be working, playing and hopefully have a much more eventful summer than school year. I have done a lot of things and grabbed a lot of opportunities in college that I normally never would have, but I still feel I missed a lot.

I have much to look forward to, and I plan on making the best of it. I will go to Italy to study abroad next summer. I will save half of all of my internship earnings each year and then go backpacking after graduation. I will because I can and I am young. I won't ask my mother for permission, but rather for support because I am an adult (a little lesson I learned from Gossip Girl last night). I can do it. I want to so I will. I just have to make it happen for myself rather than get it handed to me like I normally do. This is something that I have learned this year. That I can do it if I want. I can be independent. And I can not wait for my backpacking trip. :)

my own creation...

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